As a modern woman with new sexual partners and a rather detrimental tendency to “people please”, faking orgasms has (quite sadly) become an expected part of my sexual routine. I mean, after a knockout dinner convo with a brand new guy and a few glasses of wine, I honestly just feel bad disappointing him by not reaching an O. And sometimes I’m tired, bored, or just really want to binge watch Game of Thrones. Whatever the reason is, I (and at least half of the women in the world) have been faking orgasms. And ladies, that just ain’t acceptable.
Why? Because as we women fake our orgasms, trying to uncomplicate our relationships and sex lives, we feed into the male-domination of sex. Sex researchers call the act of faking “twistedly altruistic”. Think about it: for the majority of women having sex with men, the sex revolves around the man. You do some pretty wild things to keep him happy in bed, yet you’re considered lucky if he pays attention to your clit. (Shoutout to the guys and gals who do!) For most, it’s polite but not imperative that he waits for you to come first, and there are even women out there who go whole relationships without getting head. Yet, the one time he doesn’t finish, you’re branded as a ball-busting-bitch who’s not only bad in bed but all around a malicious, evil, woman. So, why is a man’s sexual pleasure more important than a woman’s (it isn’t)? And furthermore, why are we letting them get away with this (we shouldn’t)?
When we fake our O, we’re compromising our sexual pleasure and telling our men and ourselves that the female orgasm is simply just an accessory in the sexual process. Um… no. If I want to be having an orgasm (and it’s totally okay if not), then I’m gonna have one. And if my man can’t do it on his own, I’m gonna help him out. Because ladies, we’re worth it!
If you’ve been having orgasm-less sex lately and you’d rather reach your O, talk to your partner. Afterall, communication is key to any healthy relationship. And while it can be scary, there are plenty of ways to get yourself off without bruising our old friend, the ego.
Direct them during sex
Telling a person “I like it when you do this” or “touch me here” isn’t pushy, it’s hot. Talking in the bedroom can allow for both of you to feel more confident emotionally and satisfied physically. That newfound confidence will let you be more in the moment, so you can focus on your own pleasure. that. much. more.
If you can’t tell them, show them. Masturbate for them, with them, or guide them to do it for you. This way, they can actually see just how to get you off.
Extend that foreplay
Encouraging them to extend foreplay will give you a higher chance at achieving your O without having to sit them down and tell them that you’ve been faking it. Plus, it’ll make you both even crazier about each other once you’re ready to do the deed, meaning super passionate sex.
Talk to them
If you decide to sit down and have a conversation, know that it is not the end-all-be-all of your hookup/relationship/marriage/FWB situation. You are not telling them they’re bad in bed; you’re just taking charge of your own sexuality. And tbh, that conversation can be foreplay itself!
By taking your pleasure into your own hands (no pun intended), you’re making an active decision to honor your value as a sex-having person. We’re not the same, but women and men are equals — inside and outside of the bedroom. That’s worth fighting for. Go get it, babe.