(Originally posted on November 3, 2019. Updated on March 20, 2020.)
As a modern woman with new sexual partners and a rather detrimental tendency to “people please”, faking orgasms has (quite sadly) become part of my sexual routine. I mean, after a knockout dinner convo with a brand new guy and a few glasses of wine, I honestly just feel bad disappointing him by not reaching an O. And sometimes I’m tired, bored, or just really want to binge watch the latest Netflix series. Whatever the reason, I (and at least half of the women in the world) have been faking orgasms. And ladies, that just ain’t acceptable.
Why? Because as we women fake our orgasms, trying to uncomplicate our relationships and sex lives, we feed into the male-domination of sex. One Sex researcher calls the act of faking an orgasm twistedly “altruistic,” with the eventual downside being his habitual expectation you’re going to reach climax every time. For the majority of women having sex with men, the sex revolves around the man. You do some pretty wild things to keep him happy in bed, yet you’re considered lucky if he pays attention to your clit. (Shoutout to the guys and gals who do!). For most, it’s polite but not imperative that he waits for you to come first, and there are even women out there who go whole relationships without getting head. Yet, the one time he doesn’t finish, you’re branded as a ball-busting-bitch who’s not only bad in bed but all around a malicious, evil, woman.
So, why is a man’s sexual pleasure more important than a woman’s (it isn’t)? And furthermore, why are we letting them get away with this (we shouldn’t)?
When we fake our O, we’re compromising our sexual pleasure and telling our men and ourselves that the female orgasm is simply just an accessory in the sexual process. Um… no. If I want to be having an orgasm (and it’s totally okay if not), then I’m gonna have one. And if my man can’t do it on his own, I’m gonna help him out. Because ladies, we’re worth it!
If you’ve been having orgasm-less sex lately and you’d rather reach your O, talk to your partner. Afterall, communication is key to any healthy relationship. And while it can be scary, there are plenty of ways to get yourself off without bruising our old friend, the ego.
Before you’re able to tell your partner what you like, it’s a good idea to know what you like. Don’t be afraid to take some time to yourself and explore your body on your own. Give yourself a date night, reflect on the mindset that gets you most in the mood, and experiment to find what physically gives you the most pleasurable experience. Once you know yourself well, your partner will have an easier time giving you the experience you deserve.
Direct Your Partner During Sex
Telling a person “I like it when you do this” or “touch me here” isn’t pushy, it’s hot. Talking in the bedroom can allow for both of you to feel more confident emotionally and satisfied physically. That newfound confidence will let you be more in the moment, so you can focus on your own pleasure. that. much. more.
If you can’t tell them, show them. Masturbate for them, with them, or guide them to do it for you. This way, they can actually see just how to get you off.
Don’t forget that not all sexual experiences have to be penetrative. If masturbating with each other or for each other gives both of you a more pleasurable experience, there’s absolutely no shame in that.
Extend That Foreplay
Encouraging them to extend foreplay will give you a higher chance at achieving your O without having to sit them down and tell them that you’ve been faking it. Plus, it’ll make you both even crazier about each other once you’re ready to do the deed, meaning super passionate sex.
Sometimes a toy can help give you or your partner a little pleasure boost. Using toys doesn’t make you or your partner any less of a lover. Let’s put it this way — an artist can make a work of art by finger painting, but you would never shame them for using brushes. Look at toys as a tool that can give you a different experience. Buying, picking out, and using toys can be a great way for both of you to communicate what you want.
Talk To Them
If you decide to sit down and have a conversation, know that it is not the end-all-be-all of your hookup/relationship/marriage/FWB situation. You are not telling them they’re bad in bed; you’re just taking charge of your own sexuality. And tbh, that conversation can be foreplay itself!
The Times, They Are A Changin’
The very good news is that an increasing number of women are rejecting the need to fake an O. A recent study featuring 1,000+ women ages 18–94 revealed that over 58% of women had reported faking an orgasm at some point in their lives, but that 67% no longer did. No matter your age, the lesson is clear: don’t wait until you’re older to demand a satisfying sex life!
By taking your pleasure into your own hands (no pun intended), you’re making an active decision to honor your value as a sex-having person. We’re not the same, but women and men are equals — inside and outside of the bedroom. That’s worth fighting for. Go get it, babe.